Laws of Success
Secret #2
As Seen On
Friends:
We all know someone with a DA haircut who listens to the "oldies" all the time. Such people are stuck in the past. In many more cases, however, there are individuals who, while they may not live in the past, they spend too much time reliving it, or dwelling on past events. Maybe you just can't get past that jerk who fired you two years ago. Or perhaps your life has been altered forever because you were rejected by Mary Anne in the ninth grade. Or maybe you are still afraid of dogs because you had been bitten by one when you were four years old.
As mentioned in the last chapter, we are all affected to some extent by our past. Over this we have no control. But we do have control over how it affects us, and to what degree.
The past cannot change. But the past can change us. We have a choice as to what the past can do to - or for - our future. The past is the foundation upon which the future is built. So it is imperative that our past becomes concrete, rather than loose sand. But how can this be done, if the past cannot be changed? It is quite simple, really - it all revolves around how we perceive the past. There is no past event that is single-sided. Each event has innumerable facets. Put ten people into a room and have them observe or participate in an event, then ask each one what they saw or felt. Every answer will be different - each of us will take something different away from an event. Consider: modern history records Custer's last stand as a massacre, because Custer was white, and whites write the history books. But the Indians see it differently. Instead of a massacre, they see it as an act of self-defense against an invading force. To Americans, the people who brought down the World Trade Center were terrorists. To Usama bin Laden, they were heroic martyrs.
The point is simple: while you cannot change the past, you can change how you perceive it, and therefore turn harmful events into positive acts that will strengthen your future. You can turn sand to concrete.
Take the child bitten by a dog. The child becomes an adult who is afraid of all dogs, simply because he never got around to viewing the event without bias and fear. As a child, it is expected that a dog bite will instill instinctive fear of dogs. But as an adult, we need to reevaluate from a wiser perspective. We might then come to realize that only a very few dogs will bite, and most of those will bite only for what they perceive to be good reason. We might discover that the dog had earlier been severely abused by a child, and now he views children as a real threat. When the child got too close, the dog may have felt he needed to defend himself (based on his own past events, and how he perceived them). Realizing this, the fear of all dogs begins to subside, because we have tempered our experience with logic and a better understanding. We now realize that a fear of dogs is irrational, and based solely on the single event that affected a child who was, at the time, not able to fully realize what was happening, or the events that led up to it.
If success is your goal, you must learn from the past, but not dwell on it. Each event should be a learning experience, and as adults it is our responsibility to insure that we learn as much as we can from each experience. If one man fails at something, he may feel hurt, embarrassed and demoralized, and quit. Another man, failing at the same thing, might go, "Hm-m-m. I wonder what went wrong. What can I learn from this." Upon studying the failure, he discovers what went wrong, and tries again, which results in future success. And once again, how something is perceived has changed the ultimate outcome. The event was exactly the same. Only the result has changed because someone chose to dissect the event to discover the "why".
Case in point: Joe purchased a ski area. He lost a great deal of money and went bankrupt. He could have decided that he would never go into business again because he "obviously" did not have the sense for it. Instead, Joe took the whole episode apart and studied it thoroughly to try and discover why he had failed. He realized that he had not been prepared for contingencies by having some extra capital available. Worse yet, he realized that he had purchased the ski area in April. It would be eight months before income would roll in. In the meantime, he still had to meet mortgage payments, property taxes etc. Joe determined that if he had simply waited until October to buy, he probably would have done well. Knowing this, Joe was better prepared to try again, and succeed.
What are some signs that you need to investigate past events - or even those in the present? Stress. Fear. Failure. Giving up. Let's take a closer look at some of these "enemies" of success.
First, we need to decide if these "enemies" are truly enemies. We know that "giving up" is not conducive to success, and is an enemy - quitters never win. But what about stress, fear and failure?
Stress: Americans spend billions every year on medications to relieve stress. Experts tell us that stress is detrimental and can cause serious problems. So, it is an enemy, right? Wrong! Contrary to belief, stress is a necessary survival tool designed to protect us from harm. Stress is to the human body as a smoke alarm is to a fire-prone building in the Bronx. It is a warning system. When a situation arises for which we are not adequately prepared for, stress results. This stress is telling us that we need to be better prepared; that a learning experience is at hand, and we need to learn how to cope with it effectively. If we ignore this warning, stress becomes distress, and it is distress that causes us harm. Therefore, instead of trying to eliminate stress, we need to learn how to use stress to become better equipped to cope with situations, and in that way we eliminate the real enemy - distress.
Let's say Joe and Bill are both up for promotion at work. Joe has been learning and studying for the job, taking courses. He knows he is ready and capable of handling it. When he gets the promotion, there is no stress because there is no threat to his success - he knows the job. Bill on the other hand has not studied, did not take the supervisor training classes in night school at the college, and is not prepared. He, too, gets the promotion, but is soon "lost" in the paperwork. His employees think he's a jerk. He starts fumbling, and the stress grows. He starts taking "three-martini" lunches, to quiet the stresses. His drinking and consistent bumbling on the job gets him fired, causing more stress. All of this stress, which isn't being dealt with, becomes distress, and Bill finds himself in a downward spiral, out of control. If Bill had recognized the stress as a warning sign, he might have decided to buckle down and learn about the job. He might have taken those courses. This is what the stress was telling him to do. But he ignored it.
When stress appears, we have two choices:
- Ignore it, and head for the local tavern, letting the stress fester until it becomes distress, or
- Find out what is causing the stress, and then take whatever measures are necessary to remove the cause(s).
In most cases, stress can be removed either by getting more knowledge (education) which prepares you to cope with the situation, or by choosing an alternate direction. It is not that difficult, really - if you are in a burning building and you run towards the flames, you will feel more heat (stress). So, turn and find another direction that reduces the heat. However, if you had been better prepared (by installing sprinklers, smoke alarms and fire extinguishers), you might not even have to face that situation in the first place. When in a burning building, you can deal with it by either putting out the fire, or leaving the building - whichever one is most appropriate. It is the same with stressful situations. In either case, you must learn to cope with stress by not ignoring it. Stress is trying to tell you something; that it's time to make a decision to learn, or leave. Wherever possible, learning is usually best, as it provides you with more tools from which to build success. But where learning is not enough, or cannot be done quickly enough, leave - change direction. THEN learn.
Failure: Success is created when we couple knowledge with effort. The more knowledge and effort we put into something, the greater the chances are for success. That's simple enough. The trick, however, lies in gaining the knowledge in the first place. And we humans have an inherent knack for insisting on learning from our own experiences, rather than the experiences of those who have gone before. So experience is the precursor to knowledge. So, how do we get experience? We get it from trying. And when we try, we will either succeed or fail. In either case, we need to learn from the experience. If we succeed, find out why you succeeded, so the success can be replicated. And if you fail, find out why you failed, so you won't make the same mistake next time.
Each time we fail - and learn something from it - we get closer to success. Hence, failure is a valuable learning aid, and a good friend to those who seek success. I look forward to my failures because I know that in failing, I will learn how not to fail. Perhaps Thomas Edison said it best when he was asked about his great success in creating the electric light. He replied with the statement that he knew much more about failure than he knew about success. He stated that he had failed his way to success. After all, he had, through trial and error, experimented with over 900 elements before finding the one that worked. Over 900 failures, each one showing him what did not work, bringing him closer to the one that would work. Failure is the "process of elimination" at work. Use it. Take advantage of it. Learn from it. But never fear it! Which brings us to...
Fear: Nothing has done more to thwart success than fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of this or that. So fear is an enemy, right?Of course not - you must know by now that things aren't always what they appear to be. We all have fears - the only difference between a successful person and one who fails lies in how each one copes with the fear.
Fear is a natural instinct for survival, and has the same basis as stress. It creates the "fight or flight" desire. When in a state of fear, we choose to either fight, flee - or panic. The problem does not lie in feeling fear - it lies in choosing the wrong option. Sometimes it is appropriate to flee; other times it is better to fight. But in no case is it appropriate to panic. Panic is the only enemy here. "Panic" is to fear as "distress" is to stress - it is the result of not being able to cope with the situation, or to make the necessary choice. Repeat after me: Fear is good, panic is bad. Fear makes us act, or react. And success can only be ours through action. Panic is the certain fast-lane to failure. When faced with fear, determine the appropriate choice of action. If you decide to flee, that is fine, but you should then go forth to better arm yourself for the next time you face that fear. Then, when the next time comes, you are better equipped to fight and win. Consider this as guerilla warfare. Fight when you can win, and flee when you can't. And if you flee, begin preparing to meet the enemy again, ready to fight and win. Learn what you need to learn, and do what you need to do in order to overcome that enemy the next time you meet, for it is certain that you will, indeed, face that fear once again. Otherwise you will spend your life in flight, never moving forward.
A valuable lesson - in life, it is rare for anything to be as it appears. Take pain, for example. Ask 100 people if pain is a good thing or a bad thing, most will state emphatically that it is a bad thing. But is it? Where would we be if we could not feel pain? "Extinct" would be an appropriate answer. If you cannot feel pain, you won't know there is a problem. Ignorance of the existence of a problem means you won't tend to it, or have a doctor check it out, resulting in something like bleeding to death, infection, disease... The point is this: pain, like stress, is a warning, provided by nature and necessary for our survival. In my book, that makes pain a friend, not an enemy (albeit an uncomfortable, damnable friend).
Secret #2 Summary: Learn from the past, then put it behind you. The only things you should take from the past are warm memories and lessons learned. Everything else should stay where it is - in the past. Let past and present experiences be reviewed and learned from, making you more capable of coping with fear, stress and failure. And start looking at fear, stress and failure as valued allies in your quest for success.
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